Blackened Drone Doomcore Folk

Is it just me, or has there been a recent influx of mob-mentality viewpoints?

I mean everything – from opinions on entertainment, to political platforms, to religious broadcasts, to health and fitness…  Even to food for fuck’s sake…

When did we lose the ability to form our own opinions?

When I was a kid, I was somewhat of a nerd.  But that word doesn’t mean now what it did then.  Being a nerd used to be a bad thing.  It had connotations.  It was a liability.  The weird thing is, it normally didn’t have anything to do with what we’ve now come to accept as “nerdy” qualities.  Being a nerd when I was one meant that you were an outcast.  Some of us were smart.  Some of us were unkempt.  Most of us were socially awkward – even amongst ourselves.  Most of us enjoyed video games.  Some of us enjoyed sports.  It was a very different thing to be a nerd then.

Now, it seems that “nerd” is an all-encompassing word.  It means you like things that you think nobody else likes. (Hint: you’re wrong)

It reminds me of heavy music, in a way.  People just have this frustratingly annoying need to classify things.  Once a classification is made, then the division is clear between one thing and another, and people can start making claims.  Oh, you listen to punk?  Better not say that too loud, or some metalhead will hate you.

It’s weird.  It seems that as soon as somebody accepts a classification, they automatically accept all the rest of the mob-mentality bullshit that goes along with it.  People are looking to their classifications of things to decide whether or not they like them, rather than just weighing things out in their mind and accepting what they agree with.

I am more than my classifications.  I love heavy music.  I also love pop music.  I’m allowed to love both, I don’t give a shit what people think.  I enjoy science.  I don’t really enjoy the Big Bang Theory sitcom.  Just because I like one, doesn’t mean I like the other.  I can think for myself.

I read past headlines.  I don’t click on clickbait.  I don’t accept assertions.  I don’t accept things based on a majority.  I ignore minor issues when I want to hear about major ones.  I refuse to be distracted.  I can research.  I know what to look for.

Jesus Christ, I’m rambling here…

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that mob-mentality irritates me to no end.  I don’t want people to be proud to belong to a group that may only marginally represent them.  I don’t want people to choose inclusiveness over individuality.  I don’t want people to close themselves off to other ideas and possibilities – at least not without scrutiny.

And I especially don’t want people to view everything in black-and-white terms.  The world isn’t that fucking easy.

I want people to think for themselves.  At least more often than they do now.  I want people to see that it’s ok to be contradictory.  You can be liberal on some issues and conservative on others.  You can like more than one kind of music.  You can eat healthy, even if you don’t exercise.  You can exercise, even if you don’t eat healthy.  You can agree with someone, even if you don’t plan to follow their actions.  You can disagree with something, and still do it.  It’s all part of being human, believe it or not.

Basically, I think we need to cool it with the labels.  Labels are divisions.  Society lately seems to want to create even finer divisions, and even more specific labels.  No matter how specific they are, if you let a label describe you, you’re doomed.


The Band has a song with this title…

I remember being told once when I was young – in elementary school, I believe, likely 5th or 6th grade – that as one grows older, their circle of friends grows smaller.  I didn’t realize then how true that was, and I’m from a military family, so I was used to losing touch with friends.

In my life, I have never lived in one dwelling for longer than 5 years so far.  For about the first half of my life (I’m 34 now, so roughly 15-17 years) I got used to moving, but not only that, I got used to friends moving.  When you’re that young (and before the age of the internet) it’s difficult to keep in touch with your friends.  Not only because it can be hard to keep track of addresses, but because in those early years, we change so much…

I remember one of my best friends when I was about 15 who was basically a lot like me.  We hung out a lot, played games, explored, talked, shared experiences, and so forth.  Typical teenager stuff.  Well, he moved away I think a year and a half after I had met him.  I didn’t hear from him for months.  I didn’t have his address, because he didn’t know what it was going to be, so I had given him mine, and my phone number, so we could stay in contact.  He called me around Christmas, and in our brief conversation, it was like I had no idea who this person was.  He was talking of pot, sex, alcohol and partying.  It was like a stranger had called me to shoot the shit.

Most of the time, when my friends had moved away – or when I had – there was no attempt at contact at all.  But when there was, it usually ended up like the above story.  Every time it happened, it felt like my world grew a bit smaller.

Good thing we have family, right?

Well, they say that your cousins are most often the best and longest lasting friends you have.  Probably because they’re family, but they’re usually not close family, I guess.

Well guess what else happens as you grow older?  Your family does too.  But I think it’s a little worse than watching friends change, and losing contact or whatever.  You have to watch these people change, usually whether you want to or not.  The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve come to realize just how messed-up my family can be.  And all I had to do was watch what happened to my cousins.  Not only that, the older I’ve gotten, the more I see that what’s been going on lately has been going on for a long time.  I was just too young, naive, or ignorant to realize it at the time.

So yeah…  Cousins.  Well, I’ve got one who spent a few years as a hard drug addict (coke and heroin, I believe, but it might have been just coke).  He had something like 9 kids.  Now he’s serving jail time for sexually abusing one of them.  I’ve got another who I’ve heard was a crack addict for a while, and had 3 or 4 kids all by different fathers, and has custody of NONE of them.

Those are probably the most extreme examples in my family, to be sure, but even the less destructive changes can hit me hard.

One of my cousins was probably as close as a best friend at one point.  He’s only a year or two older than I am, and we visited all the time, so we hung out a lot.  As the years have gone on, we barely speak any more.  He has a heavy pot habit, and after years of injuries, physical problems, rejections, and a brief time where his ex had ran off with his son, he’s a completely different person than I used to know.  When I watch him post things on facebook about conspiracies or about how the government fucks everybody over to keep them in the bottom 99%, I can only shake my head to myself.  I feel I understand why he holds these views, but that doesn’t make them any less stupid to me.

So who the hell am I?  Nobody really.  I’m not going to sit here and say I know everything about everything.  But one of the things I can’t stand is someone who doesn’t research a topic before talking about it.  My family in general has that flaw in abundance.  I sit and watch them pray for each other, recommend psychics to each other, speak about mental illnesses (although in a few cases, their knowledge IS legitimate), speak of conspiracies, cover-ups, and current events.  I have very few skeptics in my family, and it shows.

It also irritates me when some of them are praised for very stupid reasons.  I’m not going to praise you for quitting smoking any more than you’re going to praise me for not being dumb enough to smoke in the first place.  I’m not going to call you courageous, or ask your opinion about what it’s like to be in the same general area when crimes are taking place, when you’re not involved, you’re not a potential target, and you’re only somewhat close to said area.

All of this serves to show me that whoever told me that age would diminish my friends was more right than they realized it at the time.  Age doesn’t only diminish your friends, but your family.  In my case, age introduces me to more strangers.  In some cases, even amongst those who were, and still are, closest to me.

About Me II

“Everything’s so blurry, and everyone’s so fake,
and everybody’s empty, and everything is so messed up.”

Puddle of Mudd – “Blurry”

“I’m a creep.
I’m a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here…”

Radiohead – “Creep”

“Body and soul,
I’m a freak of nature.
Body and soul,
I’m a freak.
I’m a freak.
If only I could be as cool as you.”

Silverchair – “Freak”

“Head’s a crying wasteland
filled with shame.
Cried for help before and
nobody came.”

Silverchair – “Nobody Came”

“When the rain comes I sit home and pray
Make it all numb I wish it all away
All I really need is just somewhere to hide away
(Kick him when he’s down)
Here alone I’ll put up and fight
(Kick him when he’s down)
Beat me all the way I’ll take it all night
(Kick him when he’s down)
Hey, don’t worry, I’ll get along home alright.”

The Offspring – “Kick Him When He’s Down”

“I’ve been told that to get what you want
You just gotta give what you can
But I know for what I want it don’t come easy as that
They say, “Look out, boy
Tomorrow comes and things will look better by then.”
But I’ll look out the window
Then look in the mirror at the same old me again

Still can’t get it right
And for all I know
I swear I never will.”

The Offspring – “Get it Right”

“I wish I could heal you,
and mend where you are broken.
I wish I could heal you,
and I wish you could heal me.”

The Offspring – “Fix You”

“When we younger,
there always seemed like some
Some perfect mold
that we’re supposed to be.
But now we’re growing up and
I see it’s just not that way,
now I feel like someone’s lied to me.”

The Offspring – “Elders”

That’s enough for this one.  You’ve noticed my brain doesn’t really identify much with happier lyrics.  What can I say?

About Me

“You see me now a veteran of a thousand psychic wars
My energy’s spent at last
And my armor is destroyed
I have used up all my weapons and I’m helpless and bereaved
Wounds are all I’m made of”

–Blue Oyster Cult – “Veteran of the Psychic Wars”

“I love the night
The day is OK and the Sun can be fun
but I live to see those rays slip away”

–Blue Oyster Cult – “I Love The Night”

“And I know this one’s the light
And the worm inside of me
Is the oldest wound that I’ve nursed along
…So don’t try to get inside
These things inside are wrong, things beyond things…”

–Devin Townsend – “Things Beyond Things”

“And I’m sorry,
this illusion has caused you a lot of pain.
And I have no solution,
I’ll try to never be back again.”

–Evergrey – “I’m Sorry”

“Hey you caught me in a coma
And I don’t think I wanna
Ever come back to this…world again
Kinda like it in a coma
‘Cause no one’s ever gonna
Oh, make me come back to this…
world again
Now I feel as if I’m floating away
I can’t feel all the pressure
And I like it this way”

–Guns N’ Roses – “Coma”

“Sometimes, I hate, the life, I made
Everything’s wrong every time
Pushing on I can’t escape
Everything that comes my way
Is haunting me taking its sweet time

Holding on I’m lost in a haze
Fighting life to the end of my days”

–Korn – “Narcissistic Cannibal”

“When I was young, I was the nicest guy I knew.
I thought I was the chosen one.
But time went by, and I found out a thing or two.”
My shine wore off as time wore on.”

–Motorhead – “I Ain’t No Nice Guy”

“I will let you down
I will make you hurt”

–Nine Inch Nails – “Hurt”

“It’s awfully considerate of you to think of me here
And I’m much obliged to you for making it clear
That I’m not here.”

–Pink Floyd – “Jugband Blues”

“More on TV…  There’s gotta be
more on TV…  There’s gotta be
more on TV than just
moron TV…”

–Primus – “Moron TV”

“Knocked me down and I got back up
I got myself back in the race again
Knock me down, and I’ll get back up
And I’ll get myself
Back in the race again”

–Red Rider – “Human Race”

Maybe I’ll do a part II, but for now, that’s enough.

For some reason, I’ve had this image in my head all day…

She stood at the window.

Her bare feet were warm against the soft carpet as she shifted her weight to a more comfortable distribution.  Her jeans were marked here and there with small tears and frays owing to their longevity as her favorites, and they hung loosely against her, adding to her warmth and comfort.  Her arms were crossed, obscuring the name of her favorite band across her hooded sweatshirt, its dark purple folds large enough to obscure her true shape.  Her light brown hair was cut in the androgynous “pixie” style, yet she was unmistakably and unabashedly female.  Her features were slightly rounded, and her blue eyes deceptively large against her freckles.  She wore no makeup and displayed no jewelry, having decided in her high-school years that such things were unnecessary at best, and ridiculous at worst.

Her unblinking eyes seemingly gazed into her faded reflection against the window.  Lost in thought, she didn’t seem to notice the flashes of lightning that machine-gunned through the sky like the light from an old television in a dark room.  The rain was falling in sheets, obscuring even the lightning-lit scenery, yet on she stared.  It was as if she existed at that moment for nothing but her own thoughts, and all I could do was watch her eyes sparkle and wonder what she was thinking about…


I’m tired.

I’m tired of so many things lately, it’s a wonder I can even function in society.

I’m tired of the way the world works.

I’m tired of “ism’s.”

I’m tired of hypocrisy.

I’m tired of responsibility.

I’m tired of willing ignorance.

I’m tired of paranoia.

I’m tired of sickness.

I’m tired of tradition.

I’m tired of black-and-white viewpoints.

I’m tired of cruelty.

Most of all, though, I’m tired of people.

People who think they’re superior.  People who think they’re inferior.  People who think they’re special.  People who want to control you.  People who want to silence you.  People who get off on the whole “Münchausen by Proxy” bullshit…

The older I get, the less I understand.  About the world in general, about other people, and about myself.

Good sleep is a fantasy.  Sometimes I think that this is the dream.

Sometimes, all I want to do is wake up.

The Importance of Sourcing and Claim-Checking

Sometimes, internet arguments really get to me.

Not because I’m involved in them – mind you, I feel like I’m getting involved in more of them every day among my friends and family.  No, I usually just spectate, and shake my head.  Lately, that is becoming harder for me to do.  I find myself reading these arguments, often in disbelief of how ignorant people can be willingly. Continue reading